Things that hurt
Monday, January 24, 2011
A lot of things have been happening to myself and those close to me that has caused me to think about spirituality, hurt and healing. Since moving to Ohio I have listened to a friend, who is like my sister, go through mental illness, a sense of mourning over her frankly crummy relationship, betrayal, critical projection from others, self loathing - basically one devastating hit after another. I feel upset and conflicted about what I can do for her when I am two states away, and although I try to encourage people to advance and change, I can't pull someone out of their own gutter. I've learned that no person can pull another out of hurt without some sort of help, and a lot of times it hurts more to go through the healing process than the initial crisis. I can tell her the actions that will absolutely help her, but I can't make her take these actions and I'm far to involved to be objective about dishing out advice. Let's just say that hurt and healing has been on my mind since before I came to this state.
"What I am talking about is the heartwrenching, deepest ache, numbing, debilitating, lonely, hopeless, rock-bottom, can't move, can't function, have-no-one-to-go-to, can't breathe because your lungs are being crushed, utter desperation and despair type of pain. If you've been here, I am talking to you. I know pain."
As strange as it sounds the best I could tell her is that sometimes finding some sort of spirituality helps in difficult situations. I am not Christian or a part of any organized religion, but I have my beliefs and maybe one day they will fall into a set group. I've heard time and time again that whatever religion that person has will heal me. I've never really taken them seriously. Absolutely, it worked for you. I would never deny that, and I have something that works for me. Unfortunately, I haven't found the community with similar beliefs that I am looking for. I am hopeful that I will find it in Ohio.
I was talking to a good friend last night and she made a comment about how I like to bring people up from difficult situations, to inspire and provide hope - because if I can get through what I experienced and be where I am today that provides hope to others. It was definitely a flattering statement. There's a huge flaw in it though, that's not her fault at all....but I'm only accepting my hurt. I am certainly not healed. I think that I am at the verge of starting the healing process. I am at the point in my hurt where I want everyone to know about it. When we are in pain we desperately want people to know about it, because we hope that someone will validate the hurt. More often than not someone will validate the hurt, they will tell you that it is okay to hurt about the issue or that you can inspire people in similar situations. We already know that, and having the validation does not heal the hurt. Basically, we don't want to be healed without others being able to see the wounds. Why? Because wounds are cool. This was true when you were eight, and it's the same as an adult. The scars show you have experienced and have a certain depth to your perspective, but again it doesn't heal does it? It doesn't make the hurt go away. That is why I wrestle with my friend's comment. She means it in the best way possible, to be inspirational when I was a little upset. She, like many people, feel I am further along in my healing process than I am. I think people have to express their pain to the world, because it puts it all on the table where we are then ready to start healing. So that's where I am, and we'll see where I go from there.
