Serious words to live by

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Ode to Solitude

It's actually uncommon knowledge, but some people know that I am blessed and afflicted with Aspergers Syndrome and chronic anxiety.  Some days I'm relatively okay, some days I have what I call "Bad autistic days"... I couldn't describe that if I try, and I have some "bad anxiety days." I was dillying around with wedding stuff listening to HIM and I had a revelation. 

The perfect description of Aspergers, for me, "Ode to Solitude in Chains"

There's a song for that:

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I've been off my game.  That's okay really, but it's a statement of fact.  In the same way that people dislike and feel sluggish by winter.... I feel that about summer.  This probably stems from a deep fear of skin cancer...and spending most of my youth nearly living along a river every summer.  I'm pretty certain I could be confused for another race a couple years of my childhood.  That and my wedding this fall! I don't want a tan.... unfortunately I tan easily... rarely burn.  So basically I just want to skip summer and head right to fall where I have my wedding, honeymoon....and then thanksgiving and Christmas... which I adore. 
That and I've been a bit depressed recently that's killed a lot of my urge to get out there and explore.  I still don't understand Christianity, though I gave it a good try.  I'm not sure I can reconcile with Pagans and personal strangeness.  I tend to be a purist and want to use only natural elements and be outdoors, otherwise I call fowl. 
Still interested in Judaism, I know even less about that. Still want to go to the zen center. I just need this mild depression to shove off.

oh and my f-ing car is still broken and I'm about to explode about that.  Whenever the dealership called me back about repairs being done (because the little local shops didn't have a clue what the problem was) I'll have dropped about $1,600.  If it's not fixed, you're going to watch me throw things. I'm not one to get crazy mad, but seriously it's their job to fix it.  I feel that if they get that much money they should just fix it....even if their guess is wrong.

I miss my Illinois friends.

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Remember that random Japanese band I expressed a long time love for a while back?  Well....guess who announced a world tour. 

So what have I been thinking about all weekend? How plausible is it for me to buy tickets and drive 9 hours to New York....

Maybe I'll get lucky and they'll add a Chicago stop...then I only have to drive 5 hours and I know that town!

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The not so big 2-4

Today is my birthday.  My birthday is generally always Memorial Day weekend-ish so I can always find strange things to do.  This weekend Mike and I are thinking about taking the ferry to the Lake Erie Islands.

My birthday didn't start out unusual.  Took Uther out, had some coffee and a bagel thin, went across the sidewalk to the apartment's gym, but when I got back I got a voicemail from a flower company saying they had a delivery and no one was home.  I took a ridiculously quick shower before they came back and this is what I found:

 

My family (mom and step father) sent me a flower "cake" and chocolates.  How sweet.  Here I've been bitching and moaning all week about my family disconnect and I'm once again slapped in the face by the opposite. I know better.   I've never seen a flower "cake", it's quite neat isn't it?  

 

I put the ribbon that came on the box on Uther, he looked so charming all day.  Once again, he was so cute it just wasn't fair. I flitting about the rest of the day responding to texts and nothing exciting until Mike came home with: 

Coldstone Creamery Cupcakes!  I've wanted to try these for a long time.  I only ate the oreo one thus far, but it was delicious. We took off to a shopping center/town that people talk a lot about.  It's been raining for a couple days so walking around wasn't too extensive.  I bought a $3 book at Books-a-Million and we went to Bar Louie for dinner.  Never been there, but it was actually pretty good.  I didn't take any pictures because the food presentation wasn't amazing...but it tasting good.  It was a little too loud in there for me, but we sat next to this bridal shower....that was fun to watch.  They played a game of naming as many famous couples as they could...I realized I would be really bad and strange at that game.  I mostly came up with political figures and Tim Burton with Helena Bonham Carter.  Oh! and "Johnny Depp and that french model"
There's a running store in this shopping town and they must have been having a group run thing, I admire people who will run in the rain.  Serious rain, not a drizzle. Mike and I came back and I lit my four birthday candles.  Mike sang me happy birthday

I have now settled in with a bottle of wine I bought back in December specifically for my birthday! It's from a beloved winery in Illinois called Acquaviva...phenomenal wines. I have saved this one bottle of my favorite since before we moved from Illinois to Ohio.  

mmmm how about a little vintage HIM for my birthday:

I'm not sure what does this to me...but after a couple glasses of wine...if a sexy ville appears before me I seem to loose my clothing...it's like magic.

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Run, come shatter me now, shatter me with hope

Crawl, come breathe me in, bleed out all sorrow

Scream me a dream, untouched by shadows

Baby, shatter me now, shatter me now

shatter me with hope

Swear on your heart's grave, I'm wrong

and love like your life's depending on it

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No post rapture looting?

I'm quite disappointed I did not get to participate in the post apocalyptic looting because the lack of rapture! I'm actually sorry for those that really believed that cult leader.  I have nothing against people that are deceived, but I really dislike people that take advantage of people.  I basically can't wait to hear what that leader has to say.  I have the remarkable ability to read, and by my understanding the Christian folk are not supposed to know when said rapture will happen. Eh, we know one way or the other I'll still be here! Toast to that.

John the Revelator
He's a smooth operator
It's time we cut him down to size
Take him by the hand
And put him on the stand
Let us hear his alibis


Seven lies, multiplied by seven, multiplied by seven again
Seven angels with seven trumpets
Send them home on the morning train
Well who's that shouting?
John the Revelator!
All he ever gives us is pain
Well who's that shouting?
John the Revelator!
He should bow his head in shame

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My favorite bands

Just for fun... though not necessarily my favorite songs



HIM! Of course. But why do I like this band so much? I love the way Ville writes and sings about love. It's very truthful, unlike the pop love songs. Those make no sense to me and it's like listening to Disney fairy tales. A lot of love songs have this strange idealistic concept of love that I don't understand. Nor can I live up to. Ville's lyrics are both very blunt and obscure at the same time. I greatly appreciate that HIM sounds like HIM. I think that's the issue with a lot of bands, they all sound the same. There are very few bands that come around that capture the imagination of so many people in such a short amount of time.
Why I admire Ville specifically. Besides I think he's quite lovely looking. I hail from a family where alcoholics reign supreme. Ville almost died because of alcohol and went to rehab. What's more credible is that he is still sober. I've never actually seen anyone do that. I've seen alcohol destroy a lot of people, and I am so thankful that it didn't consume this one. The strength that it takes to move on from that is something I really admire. I love to see the pictures from shows now where he has a can of coke in his hand or a mug. He has also claimed to be a vegetarian... but he says so many random things in interviews you never really know.



Apocalyptica.  Again one of those bands where there is nothing like them.  They are my flat out favorite band to see live.  They're shows are just phenomenal.  One of my favorite life moments was standing on a ledge above a bunch of good guys I didn't know all of us just having a jolly good time while they played Hall of the Mountain King.  They sit sometimes, but most of the time they're up playing, holding cellos over their heads...the works.  I was standing about 10 feet away from the boys before their last show....and it was everything I could do not to run up the stairs and tackle them.  As if my 5'5" frame could really tackle a cello wielding Scandinavian....
Could you image the conversations they would have picking up a lady?  "oh hey what do you do?"  "I'm in a metal band"  "oh yeah what do you play?"  "...cello..."






Depeche Mode. I don't have any deep philosophical reason why I like Depeche Mode. I just like their music quite a bit.



Nine Inch Nails. Ah same thing with Depeche. i have no good reason. I almost got the artistically written "Sin" as a tattoo years ago, thanks in large part to this song. Most people know NIN by their other song..."I wanna fuck you like an animal.." Oh does that song bring back memories too!



L'arc~en~ciel. Obscure, I know. But this band means a lot to me. There were many rough violent family nights in my early teens listening to this band over and over again for comfort. They are probably one of the reasons I'm still alive today. Seriously, if someone handed me an opportunity to see this band live I would cry. I have loved Laruku since I was about ten, and there was a time in my life where I could sing you every song in Japanese and then tell you the lyrics in English. I've long since forgotten most of that. Ah a special place in my heart indeed. A very special place in my heart.  If you hear me listening to odd Japanese music at any time now rest assured that I am looking for a very specific type of comfort. Especially this song; there are very few songs I can literally feel in my heart.

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I love this picture.  A lovely lady taking a break from the crazy wedding day with some coffee.  enjoying the weather.  yeah.  i like this picture

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Apocalyptica

 

Oh Apocalyptica how I love you and your shows.  Look at them! They are just man handling those cellos.   

Seriously, I've been thinking about walking down the wedding isle to Apocalyptica.... 

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Beltane

 Craft of the Wise

Sorry no pictures! Well..there were some kids running around snapping pictures, but I'm not sure if they actually took any pictures with it other than the ground.

It certainly was a long night last night, I didn't actually get to sleep until 3am! I was invited (this was NOT open to public) to the Beltane celebration of one of the main Pagan groups in the area.  Most of the other groups are offshoots of this group.  So, needless to say I was fairly excited to attend, and just as nervous. 

I suppose a proper start of would be..what in the world is Beltane?! Beltane is one of the main Pagan festivals celebrating the turning of the year/turning of the seasons.  It has theoretically been celebrated since well before Christianity took hold across Europe.  Personally, I want to note that there is no absolutely certain truth of that, but that's what "they say."  The main thing to understand about Beltane is that in many Pagan traditions half the year is dominated by a male deity (often called the Horned God), whereas the other half is dominated by a female deity (Great Mother...and a billion other names).  So, Fall and Winter are mostly the male deity realm, and Spring and Summer are the female.  This makes sense in terms of the rebirth and death cycle of life.  In an extreme short, Beltane is the celebration of the female deity taking control from her male deity (sometimes referred to as her lover).  What is commonly called Halloween is the opposite of this.  It is said that on Beltane and Halloween the two gods are together, and this should be celebrated.  That's the best I can do to explain Beltane lol

I should note that I won't write completely what was said and done, doesn't seem right to do that.  There was nothing crazy, sexual, or inappropriate...just making that clear.

So! I arrived a bit early because it seemed like the polite thing to do.  I chatted with the Elder of the group for a while, as well as one of the groups newer initiates.  She is pregnant was was restricted to the kitchen (not allowed to lift the things being used in ritual and the like).  I'm a big fan of kitchens, so I was in there for a while.  The initiates of the group set up the entire ritual while the higher orders of the group (the High Priestess and Priest ... the clergy?)  prepared themselves.  When they finished up I was invited by the Elder of the group to drum for a while, that was lovely.  I do like drumming.  The higher orders did their thing .... and I was invited into their circle.  Lets keep in mind here that it was dark, they had their alter all set up, and there was obvious energy to the area. 

However, to enter said circle I had to get past the High Priest who was invoking said male deity.  If he doesn't see in you what he should be seeing to enter their sacred space...he turns you away.  So... I'm a bit short and about three or four times smaller than this man.  His was shirtless, face was painted, had a horned crown..... I was intimidated.  I said my appropriate bit (like a pass-code) and wasn't turned away.  Then I ran into the High Priestess and she marked my forehead with some sort of oil, and gave me a hug.  It was surprising, but comforting.  Which is odd for me... I'm not one to find comfort in hugs or kisses.  THEN I ran into the Elder who invited me to do something with her I can't describe properly, is was a blessing to the ancestors.. in extreme short.  She then asked me to stand next to her on the other side of the circle, which was notably different than expected.  The initiates seemed a bit perplexed at my nervous scuttle around their circle to stand next to the Elder's chair.  I was quite clearly nervous, and I think she wanted to be there to show me what to do if needed.  
The High Priest and Priestess let their ritual, and all of that I don't think is appropriate to share on a public blog.  You'll have to ask me in person about details.  No one was naked or doing inappropriate things.. no drugs or any of the other silly things people say Pagans do.  It was a nice energy, nothing unusual or uncomfortable.  There was a charge in the air, but it was positive in general.

After the ritual ended I was chatting with everyone for a while.  I clicked with one of the Higher orders, so we chatted quite a bit.  She was spunky, strong willed, but still very positive and contemplative.  She's the balance for the High Priestess and Priest who are very grounded, and obviously a bit exhausted from their ritual.  So I didn't end up leaving these people until quite late at night.  I was as comfortable as I can be...having chronic anxiety and autistic tendencies.  There were all very supportive and open to my functioning regardless of my nervousness. 

Then I drove home, Mike and split a bottle of peach wine to celebrate the holiday..and retreated to do what many adult Pagan couples do in private on said holiday lol! Quite a lot of energy all around! No really, I think the energy of the evening came out all at once on the poor man.  T'was Lovely.

 

That's my horned god (Ville). lol!  Oh ! I'm sorry.... I just got fangirl all over this blog again!

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Royal Wedding

Of course I watched the Royal Wedding! I loved my time in England, and I find William and Catherine a truly inspiring modern couple.  I hope they will continue to amaze the world as the wonderful people they are. The ceremony was beautiful, and I am beyond glad I got up at 3:30am to watch the whole thing.  As the ceremony was proceeding I was finishing my tea and the sun was coming up, it was all around a beautiful morning. 

Personally, I was moved by their intimate looks and positivity.  I was also moved by the Bishop of London's speech.  Thankfully, the Royal Wedding website has a transcript of it!

The Bishop of London's Sermon

29th April 2011

“Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire.” So said St Catherine of Siena whose festival day it is today. Marriage is intended to be a way in which man and woman help each other to become what God meant each one to be, their deepest and truest selves.
Many are full of fear for the future of the prospects of our world but the message of the celebrations in this country and far beyond its shores is the right one – this is a joyful day! It is good that people in every continent are able to share in these celebrations because this is, as every wedding day should be, a day of hope. 
In a sense every wedding is a royal wedding with the bride and the groom as king and queen of creation, making a new life together so that life can flow through them into the future.
William and Catherine, you have chosen to be married in the sight of a generous God who so loved the world that he gave himself to us in the person of Jesus Christ.
And in the Spirit of this generous God, husband and wife are to give themselves to each another.
A spiritual life grows as love finds its centre beyond ourselves. Faithful and committed relationships offer a door into the mystery of spiritual life in which we discover this; the more we give of self, the richer we become in soul; the more we go beyond ourselves in love, the more we become our true selves and our spiritual beauty is more fully revealed. In marriage we are seeking to bring one another into fuller life.
It is of course very hard to wean ourselves away from self-centredness. And people can dream of doing such a thing but the hope should be fulfilled it is necessary a solemn decision that, whatever the difficulties, we are committed to the way of generous love.
You have both made your decision today – “I will” – and by making this new relationship, you have aligned yourselves with what we believe is the way in which life is spiritually evolving, and which will lead to a creative future for the human race.
We stand looking forward to a century which is full of promise and full of peril. Human beings are confronting the question of how to use wisely a power that has been given to us through the discoveries of the last century. We shall not be converted to the promise of the future by more knowledge, but rather by an increase of loving wisdom and reverence, for life, for the earth and for one another.
Marriage should transform, as husband and wife make one another their work of art. It is possible to transform as long as we do not harbour ambitions to reform our partner. There must be no coercion if the Spirit is to flow; each must give the other space and freedom. Chaucer, the London poet, sums it up in a pithy phrase:
“Whan maistrie [mastery] comth, the God of Love anon,
Beteth his wynges, and farewell, he is gon.”
As the reality of God has faded from so many lives in the West, there has been a corresponding inflation of expectations that personal relations alone will supply meaning and happiness in life. This is to load our partner with too great a burden. We are all incomplete: we all need the love which is secure, rather than oppressive, we need mutual forgiveness, to thrive.
As we move towards our partner in love, following the example of Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit is quickened within us and can increasingly fill our lives with light. This leads to a family life which offers the best conditions in which the next generation can practise and exchange those gifts which can overcome fear and division and incubate the coming world of the Spirit, whose fruits are love and joy and peace.
I pray that all of us present and the many millions watching this ceremony and sharing in your joy today, will do everything in our power to support and uphold you in your new life. And I pray that God will bless you in the way of life that you have chosen, that way which is expressed in the prayer that you have composed together in preparation for this day:
God our Father, we thank you for our families; for the love that we share and for the joy of our marriage.
In the busyness of each day keep our eyes fixed on what is real and important in life and help us to be generous with our time and love and energy.
Strengthened by our union help us to serve and comfort those who suffer. We ask this in the Spirit of Jesus Christ. Amen.     

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The Light of the uncommon chain

I'm still trying to be adamant about this religious tour topic.  I need to write out what my basis of beliefs are.  They are the same now as when I started this a couple months ago.  The couple places I've visited have not really changed my perceptions at all.  That's certainly no testament to my faith, it's just that I haven't been exposed enough. 

I don't think that people should accept the dogma of their family or friends.  It seems that's what many do; they are Christian because their family is or "because they're supposed to be."  That's one statement that will send me in the other direction fairly quickly.  I think you should question and challenge your beliefs.  Experience things, think for yourself, reach your own conclusions not preaching what some book tells you. 

Most religions smack of dogma, developed by men a long time ago in a different age to suit themselves or control others. Many religions from all corners of the earth and across many centuries have a lot to answer for in terms of wars, barbaric acts and extreme views.

 

There are however, excellent philosophies and practices that are a part of every religion.  Sometimes it takes a while to find them, and some religions have more to answer for than others.  I believe that the heart of all religions is a sense of peace and understanding.  When it deviates from that it's in large part due to men.  I don't believe Christianity is inherently negative, but many of its followers have an exclusion policy that I find disappointing.  Once a person deems another person or culture as less than themselves, that person tends to justify their negative actions.  So, yes, on this tour it is a long shot for me to convert to Christianity.  

My beliefs have largely developed because of things I've experienced both good and bad.  So let me run through some of my basics:

1) I believe in God, but I think we get hung up on gender in our culture and religions.  I think there's a divine feminine and divine masculine, they could be the same entity, they could be different.  Why does it matter?  I developed the belief in a god and goddess, because I needed the comfort of "parents." 

2) I identify with warrior deities of the past. If you're looking for my muse, it revolves around that.  I'm naturally protective and although it takes quite a bit of effort to make me angry, when I get there there's no stopping me. I never want to fight, but I don't run away either.

3) I don't believe in hell or the devil.  There absolutely are negative people and energies, but some red horned fallen angel is not my scene.  

4) I don't know anything about the afterlife and I don't want to spend my life overwhelmingly concerned about it.  I'm living this life now; I'll find out what happens after death eventually.  

5) I don't believe in original sin.  In fact, I'm not entirely sure what that means.  I think you can sin against people, yourself, and god.  You'll have to square away with those, but original sin...nope.  I don't think cursing or having premarital sex is a sin.  I don't think homosexuality is a sin.  This is where that original religious notion of love and understanding deviates by men.  Do you really think any god is caught up on the mistakes people make?  I don't.

6) I don't believe the bible is the word of god.  I think it is the word of man, and is the cause of much suffering and just as much happiness.

7) I don't believe our lives are predestined or judged at the end.  I'm not even sure any individual has a purpose other than experience the world.  

8) I believe that those who have suffered the most in this life are the most beautiful if they can overcome their suffering.  It's easy to get lost in.  I think that we are meant to suffer, that's all part of that experience this life idea. It might sound like a depressing notion, but it's really not.

9) I believe that religions need to grow and change with their people/cultures.  Some religions are stuck.

 

10) I believe in worldly energies that some people can experience more readily than others. This psychics, mystics, prophets, regular people.  I tend to be highly intuitive to the energy of a room, a person, or an event. I'm usually spot on. It's not a special ability, some people can just connect to it better than others.  

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Disarm Me

I haven't been a good religious tour person, have I? I know that this is something to do on one's own time and there's no real commitment to a blog. The problem is I think about religious, or life advancement topics all the time, since I was around twelve years old. I would muse over one topic or another for a couple days, and I started this idea and blog because I never had anyone to share it with. Sure, I could ramble on all day to my fiance, but you have to understand, he's a recovering Catholic. Having no formal education in any religion this is more of a project than I originally thought it would be. So, I'm revamping this project. Originally it was all about exposure, since I never experienced any church. I learned that there's little point in exposure when I have no idea what's going on. I also started this project and I didn't ever say what I believe, what my starting point is. I get ahead of myself a lot.

For the past couple weeks personal demons have been on my mind (not necessarily mine), and it's taken my attention of this project.  I'm aware that said demons play a significant part in spirituality, but personal demons expressed in a raw type of way is not what I want this blog to be.  I don't mind presenting them in a more organized fashion if it relates to a topic, but this journey is more than expressing raw emotion.  I don't regret my late night musings, as it led a friend to ask me a lot of questions that reminded me of how far I've come.  I intend to sift through more religious topics and detail my experiences better.  I'll try my best anyway.

Topics at the moment:

-My basis of beliefs

-My religious experiences of the past

-Beltaine - What is that?

-My issues with Christianity

-Religion through daily life

-Hurt, Family and Religion

-Dark vs Light - What is that?

-Concepts of God

Tour Appointments:

-Circle of the Sacred Grove Beltaine - April 30?

-Zen Center - May

-Considering meeting with Pastors of previous churches - Sometime

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I've had a lot of things taking over my mind, so the religious tour was on hold for a while.  I'll be back on track at the end of April, got some events to attend. 

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"Beauty of whatever kind, in its supreme development, invariably excites the sensitive soul to tears."- Edgar Allan Poe

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My Thought Space

 

My Thought Space

-I've been thinking today that my unkempt apartment is a reflection of my mind.  Dusty and not properly attended to the past couple weeks.  I'm going to clean this evening or tomorrow and see if it effects my attitude/motivation. 

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My favorite Commercial

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Here Comes the Church of Madness

I'm not a big fan of religious intolerance from anyone.  I don't care if you are Christian, Islamic, Jewish, Pagan, Hindu, Buddhist...anything...if you are intolerant I want nothing to do with you.  I heard about the Pastor that burned the Koran, and I was actually surprised.  I was surprised that someone would do that and endanger people's lives for nothing.  NOTHING.  There is no point made in that but intolerance and bigotry.  It struck a nerve with me since a very close friend of mine is in Afghanistan, and this Pastor's actions created quite an upheaval there....and it SHOULD.  My friend has a month left in his tour of duty, and that scares me more.  I just don't understand how anyone could possibly think that burning anything sacred is a good idea.  To endanger people's lives, while hiding in your own "safe" country is appalling. And then to say that he's prepared to die for his actions like some sort of martyr...well excuse my language, but Fuck You.  You're not a martyr, your a fucking bigot. I don't believe that if a person is murdered they go to a heaven, I think if a person is bad regardless of death that is the end of them, that's it. 

I feel that this man isn't Christian, if he claims to be so.  But one could understand why this adds a notch to anyone's perception of Christianity.  If something should happen to my friend that is in direct relation to this ridiculous show, I would never be able to square away with Christianity.  When will the years of torture and ignorant acts end for Christianity?  From large witch burning trials to the simple acts of practitioners of condemnation and accusations of faulty souls.  So many practitioners are like the Thought Police, place one thought out of line and that's the end for you. 

Personally, my rough run ins with Christian folk have revolved around my lack of church going experience, lack of knowledge, and how many times I've been called a Witch.  Sometimes I'll get Heathen or Sinner, depends on the folk.  I don't even know what I've done to be called a sinner.  They decide this out of nowhere. Or if I say I have very little experience with Churches I turn into some sort of project.   If they've called me a Witch, than they do know a bit about me.  What if I am a Witch?  I'll be a bit honest and obscure here, but I feel a divine influence pretty consistently.  I have a pretty strong connection with something.  I can walk into a congregation, or even a room and decide almost immediately if that group has a positive or negative energy.  Does that make me a Witch?  I follow the seasons fairly closely and I've danced around fires, does that make me a Witch?  There is a palpable energy in those circles I like to dance around in.  What's more interesting is that other so-called Witches can zero in on the influence I feel and tell me I have some sort of influence, but I'm starting to go stir crazy because I don't know what to do with it.  Ding Ding Ding! Not a single Christian has said such a thing to me.  I've thought for a long time that those who really truly follow the "old Religion" are hand picked by the goddess/deity/ whatever name you choose. These do not include the people you usually run into that are flaunting their own personal freak show. 

There was a time when freedom died
It was an age of genocide
The Inquisition at the door
The Church of Rome in a holy war

They broke children on the wheel
In the madness of their zeal
In the shadow of their wake
The innocent burning at the stake

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When I said I was a young punk

I wasn't kidding

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The problem with wedding planning

 

The problem with wedding planning for me is that I lose my mind when I see anything even remotely resembling Alice in Wonderland.  It is at that moment I stop thinking like an adult.  

I have to repeatedly remind myself that these things won't work in the venue.  

..... I'm going to do this to my living room...

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In Venere Veritas

Have no fear
There are wounds that are not meant to heal
And they sing in venere veritas
Come inside let the fire burn you alive
And sing baby sing
There are wounds that are not meant to heal at all
In venere veritas

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Religious Tour Part 5

First Unitarian Church

I chose this group to end my Christian church goings.  Apparently the Unitarians were once on the Christian side of things, and have moved on to a more liberal free for all.  So it seemed like a good transition from Christian churches to whatever I move on to next.
It was a nice building, modern-ish.  It was odd seeing a big chalice on the the wall instead of some Christian alter. There were quite a few people in attendance, all ranging in age.  It was an interesting sermon.  It had the same pattern as Christian churches, but without the Jesus part really.  There was music, some people talking, pastor person talking, some more music, people wanting money, and leaving blessings.  The discussion was a good one, something everyone should think about in general, but it just didn't feel.....like anything.  It was just a good topic of discussion, I felt no divine influence at all.  I actually felt like whatever influence I may have was stunted being in the building.
The topic of the day was the religious aspects of gardening and caring for the earth, treading lightly, etc.  Excellent topic!

I'm not sure what to say....it's a big fat no on this one. I hope good things for them and their church, and I appreciate their openness and forward thinking-ness.  Just not for me.

So here marks the end of my Christian-ish church tour.  We are now moving on to more intense Pagan groups and throw in a little Buddhist.  Perhaps this week I may write a reflection on Christianity vs Me.  We'll see.

Religious Tour Schedule Update:
St. Joseph's Catholic Church - Feb 6, 2011
Pagan Coven - Feb 9, 2011
Maumee Valley Church - Feb 20, 2011
St. Paul's Episcopal Church - March 6, 2011
First Unitarian Universalist Church - March 27, 2011
Toledo Zen Center
Pagan Group 2
Harmony in Life Center
Jewish (unknown location/group)

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Religious Tour Thoughts Part 2

I've been thinking since I've gotten a little taste of some organizations, when I finish my places to visit I might pick a couple organizations to spend a month with. Go to their events and read up on their faith.  Yeah, I'm going to do that.

Religious Tour Schedule Update:
St. Joseph's Catholic Church - Feb 6, 2011
Pagan Coven - Feb 9, 2011
Maumee Valley Church - Feb 20, 2011
St. Paul's Episcopal Church - March 6, 2011
First Unitarian Universalist Church
Toledo Zen Center
Pagan Group 2
Harmony in Life Center
Jewish (unknown location/group)
Pagan Group 1 (Part 2)

Possible Month Organizations:
Episcopalians

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"You have achieved success if you

have lived well, laughed often

and loved much."

- Author Unknown

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Life lessons

"Musically and as a philosophy of life, the more honest and straightforward you are the less you have to lose. And when you're being really direct and honest about things whether it be a conversation or a song nobody can really diss you"

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A weekend of changed plans and cancellations

Nothing went as planned this weekend, at all.  Certainly, that's nothing unusual for me, especially when my friends mingle into the picture. 
As most people know, this weekend was the first day of spring (basically), so I had two to three Pagan events to hit this weekend, that I was actually excited about.  Saturday night I was originally supposed to meet with the Pagan group I met with - their reception after ceremony actually.  I was really interested in meeting them in their element, but this all got canceled due to time constraints. I find this confusing; I know people are generally way too busy for their own good, but how does one cancel a holiday? This left me open to attend the other Pagan group's spring ritual on Saturday night.   Naturally, this didn't happen either.

It appears that every Pagan holiday, someone from Illinois decides to visit.  I love visits, but I'm not open about my odd spiritual life to everyone.  Very few people actually.  I spent all week thinking of a reasonable excuse to leave my friends at 9 at night.  What kind of meeting does one have at 9 at night that they have to attend alone?  I never really came up with a good answer, turns out I didn't have to due to cancellations. So, over dinner Mike blurts out "Oh! tell them about your religious tour!" I think he does these things to me on purpose.  Here's the laydown of friends at the table:

K: self proclaimed non-church going Catholic, but a bit aware of my odd take on things and fine with it
C: self proclaimed not really practicing anything person - but as a youngster went to Baptist church...someone I'd be okay with saying a couple things about my ideas with
P: practicing Catholic. Gave up three or four things for Lent.....NOT comfortable running my mouth. Although he's a good guy...not comfortable.

Thankfully at this point in my tour, I've mostly visited Christian folk.....I just omitted my stints in Paganism.  Although I realize that all of them are aware of where I stand.  C & P went to high school with me.... and oh man was that a hoopla. There was a group of girls who exclaimed to be Christian and you can insert this phrase from them "A WITCH!" Needless to say, they are probably aware....but I haven't personally acknowledged any things ever said about me on this topic, so I just go with that.  If you want to know I've never referred to myself as a witch. Also, Mike has a habit of telling people about me and not telling me what other people know about me.  He told his brother to not get trashed around me because of things I've been through.  Although that's nice of both of them....someone should have let me know. So, most likely, everyone is well aware of my not really witchery.


I just said where I've been too, no details.  But they were all curious and P actually offered to answer any questions I have about Catholicism.  Unfortunately, I don't have any because I'm really just looking for a place the speaks to me, the details I'll get in step two. I know there's some sort of influence on me, I can feel it....the problem is I don't know how to actually hear/feel that influence clearly.  The only times I get close is probably after some alone yoga...and all the influence is pointing in one direction, and it's not Christianity.

Drained by the anger and grief
Fazed by the envy and greed
The secret cries for a release
The lucidity hidden deep in sweet pandemonium

The truth that could set souls free
Is buried within sweet pandemonium
Concealed by disbelief
The riddle stays veiled in sweet pandemonium

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My Preacher

THIS man understands my soul.

I may have tried out a few places with unique preachers, but none of them compare to the way this man soothes my soul.  In his music I always find the right words, the strength and comfort I need to get through troubles....just what I need at the moment. 

"Don't Close Your Heart"

I know how it feels to be on your own
In this cruel world where hearts are bound to turn to stone
Where you are alone
And tired of breathing
It's all going wrong
And you just can't stand the pain any more
You're too numb to believe in
In anything

Baby just don't close your heart
Baby just don't close your heart
Baby just don't close your heart
Darling don't let me down

I know how easy it is to let go
Surrender to despair lurking at your door
  and lose your soul and all your feelings
Strength all gone
And so many things left unsaid
And deeds undone
You've stopped caring
'Cause it's all in vain

Baby just don't close your heart
Baby just don't close your heart
Baby just don't close your heart
Darling don't let me down

You are so alone
And tired of breathing
It's all going wrong
And you just can't stand the pain

Baby just don't close your heart
Baby just don't close your heart
Baby just don't close your heart
Darling don't let me down
Don't let me down
Don't let me down
Just don't let me down

**I need to remember on October 28th to take some time, alone, to sit and listen to "Beautiful"...in full make up and wedding dress...it's such a simple song, but will create an amazing moment for me. REMEMBER!**

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Weekly Money Check Up

I took a Religious Tour break this past weekend.  I figured I was at the end of my Christian church spree....Unitarian doesn't count...they're more like all purpose.  It might be worth taking some time to reflect on the past couple weeks with that, as confusing as they were.

I thought I'd give a weekly money check up, something different.

Weekly Money Check-Up is a fill-in-the blank post once a week. The first four questions are always the same each week and the fifth is always different. 

1. The most I’ve spent this last week was on groceries, particularly Mardi Gras dinner.  I got a little carried away, but it was worth the money and the 2 1/2 hours in the kitchen.


2. Today I feel okay, but uncertain towards money. We are still relying on Mike's income, and although we're in a good spot in terms of finances... one income is strange.

3. Money can’t buy happiness. One free/inexpensive thing I did last week that made me happy was the free cooking technique class at William Sonoma.


4. I will consider this week a success if the grocery and food budget stays under control, even with people visiting this weekend.


5. My ancestors are mostly Polish, with just a hint of Cherokee. 

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The Tour Schedule Update

The Tour:
St. Joseph's Catholic Church - Feb 6, 2011
Pagan Coven - Feb 9, 2011
Maumee Valley Church - Feb 20, 2011
St. Paul's Episcopal Church - March 6, 2011
First Unitarian Universalist Church
Pagan Spring Celebration Reception
Other Pagan Group Spring Fling
Toledo Zen Center
Harmony in Life Center

**Thinking about adding Jewish....I don't think that's one of those I can just go to, but it might be worth meeting with someone from that too.  Although I do not think anything is wrong with real Islam, it doesn't speak to me at all so that's why it's not on this list. 

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Religious Tour Part 4

St. Paul's Episcopal Church

*Photo is obviously not mine...it is still winter here.  We still have snow! I borrowed the picture from another website, but it is the church*

This Sunday was the Episcopalians! I've always heard Episcopalians referred to as "Catholic Lite: All the salvation, half the guilt."  I think that's cute and funny, but I suppose some would be offended. 

This time I remembered my notebook! Yay!

I'm not sure of the date when the church was build or remodeled, but it is a nice building and lovely grounds.  I'd really like to see it in Spring, some excellent outdoors writing spots! It's a red brick building with simple stained glass.  The doors are not grandiose, and that has a certain charm. This is the smallest church I've been to thus far, which in some ways reminds me of churches in my hometown.  The initial feeling when entering is nice, homey and quiet.  This is the first church on this tour that had legit pews.  The congregation was very small today, but they have three different times.  The first at 8am is "Holy Eucharist Rite"....I don't know what that is so I didn't go to that one.  The second at 9:15 am is "Family Service".... I don't have any kids so I didn't think that was for me.  At 11am was their "Traditional Service"....I hit that one.  This congregation wasn't as diverse in age as the others, but there were a couple younger people.  Maybe I went to the wrong service.

So they started their service, and I now understand the statement "Catholic Lite."  The rituals were similar, and there was that same stand up sit down thing.  People knew what they were supposed to say and when.  I sat down in a random pew by myself and read their board that said "The Last Sunday after the Epiphany."
What in the world is that?!
After their starting songs and strut down the isle they told some Moses story.  Tablets and such.  What I noticed at that time was that I felt no energy from the Pastor.  There didn't appear to be any religious energy coming from him at all.  This concerned me.  Oh, and I thought one of the alter people was a girl...it was actually a middle aged man with a mullet. 
They discussed the "Second letter of Peter"  Obviously this is all unfamiliar to me, but does that say that we can't have our own interpretation, because that's what it sounded like. 


Ok so after all that the Pastor got up for his ditty.  He was asking what do you do when you want to be close to god.  An excellent question! He mentioned what he does, and what he's seen people do.  He went on to discuss a "mountain top experience" (again something about Moses) and how these intense experiences of being close to god should be special.  Some churches try to create that euphoria every Sunday, but a church can't and shouldn't do that every week.  These moments should be special and occasional.  Gonna have to agree with this topic. He was preaching a simple, quiet spirituality; where singing, dancing and euphoria were reserved for those special life moments. 
The next question was have you ever had a life moment where you knew god was there.  Something about Moses seeing god's back is in here, and how you don't actually "see" god, but looking back you know he/she/it was present. 
The pastor in all this admitted that he feels a bit spiritually deprived as of late, hoping for better weather and lent.  Apparently lent has something to do with renewing faith and thinking about the ways we connect to our spirituality and those around us.  I don't really know much about lent except that people give something up for a while and don't each meat on Fridays (except Fish is a meat so this whole thing is flawed).  What caught me was that my initial impression was correct.  His spiritual energy was low, and he admitted it.  So props to that.  Go me!
Anyway they did their prayers and eating and drinking ritual.  They supported everyone coming up, if they wanted to, regardless of denomination or christian rank (that catholic thing where you have to go through a bunch of stuff to be able to do that).  I didn't, but I suppose I could have. 
My major issue this time around was the whole sinning thing.  Why is everyone a sinner? I actually thought it was because some people years ago killed the so-called son of god.  Apparently, it's more about the adam and eve thing.  The point is I don't feel like a sinner, and I don't think everyone is a sinner.  I guess I've seen some pretty evil people, and to me there's just good people and bad people.  "Sinning" to me is very serious, like really hurting people or yourself....not anything to do with cussing or being glutenous.  I might have this whole topic wrong, I don't know.  Honestly, I don't know what I'm talking about lol


In the end this is the first church service I actually understood! Yay! It was fairly nice and was reasonable discussion.  The issue is still that the fundamental Christian belief of Jesus....I don't feel that.  A lot of Christians make fun of old mythology or native American spirituality...they think it's silly or crazy.....but really have any of them sat down and looked at their own beliefs?  That's pretty out there too.  People rise from the dead, appear as ghosts, say they're the son of god, have babies as virgins.... Come on...is that any more crazy than believing in multiple deities or fairies?  

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Late Night Musings

The late night musings are always the worst...or perhaps the best.  The late night is when everything comes out in a very real, honest way, but some days I just don't want to deal with it again.  I meant for this to be a religious tour blog, but all of this is on the same path.  If the pain and hurts of life aren't addressed, then I won't get anywhere on any spiritual path.
What I know about any hurt is that I can't turn it away.  If I want to go to bed, but that hurt, that monster, comes up..I have to sit and work through it or it will not cease.  It will just continue to get worse and that much harder to work through the next night it decides to rear it's ugly head.  What is interesting about the hurt tonight is that it's not facing the hurt just to recognize it's there, again. It's there this time with the aura of potential.
In short, I took another big hit to the heart and soul earlier this week.  Again, I've also learned that with new hurt and pain I have to work through it immediately, or it turns out to haunt my mind and soul. So, I refuse to let this one add to the hurt I already have built up from when I was too young to properly work through pain by myself. I think I should clear this up:

Old hurt- The things that happened to me as an adolescent and very young adult.  Although I got the strength to take care of the situations that arose, they're haunting.  I did not have the knowledge to work through them when they happened.  They got hidden as I tried to move on and improve my life.  Now they sit there, almost unworkable.  They've made themselves apart of my soul, to come out at the worst moments of who I am.  I've been wondering if the way to get rid of these hurts is to unlock them and let my mind go crazy for a while.  Problem is, to unleash the monster (lets say)...I can't take that by myself.  I need a referee. At the moment it's a blessing that these hurts are so tied into each other locked away in the depths of my soul....because they can't be added to. On the religious tout topic, I feel that the Pagan group I met with will force me to work through this one, to let it out and see what happens.
A couple tunes for this hurt:

Lets say this could be from my perspective:

and this it could be the hurts perspective (its like it's own entity):



New Hurt: New hurt is all the thing that have happened past the age of say 20, most notably this week. This hurt has an aura of learning through the pain, to me at least. I can't run away from it, and I just try to work through it.  I felt my heart break on Monday, and I've experienced hurt and sadness in recent years, but not that.  I had to seriously consider turning away from everything.  EVERYTHING.  This was the first time in seven years I seriously had to consider what was best for me. Let me tell you about love...I apparently reside on the autistic spectrum and I don't see things as many people do.  I can't define Love for you, and I'm not a fan of affection in general.  I realized that I love my fiance, because he is the only person in my life I actively want to forgive.  He's the only person I've allowed to hurt me and I work to forgive, but I recognize that even though his actions hurt me....they hurt him more. And I'm truly sorry for that.  People make mistakes and in this case I choose to work through it, forgive and move on. 
A Tune for this pain too:




This turned out to be a rather liberating...but disturbing thought process tonight.

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You might not know

Jean Paul Gaultier † Spring/Summer 2011 Couture

But in my youth, right out of high school, I was an "alternative fashion model."  To this day I can be found geeking out over fashion and makeup.  I seen this beautiful set, and I absolutely need to share!

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there are times in my life i wish i was dreaming, this is one of those times

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When I dance...

When I dance I understand God. When dancing I feel that energy and I know I'm doing exactly what I should be doing.

What I love about bellydance is that it is not necessarily best for those with boy-ish figures (ever popular in our culture). It looks best with some feminine curves, as noted by the beautiful Kami Liddle in this video.

Is there a church that will let me in their worship room to dance privately? That certainly works for Pagans, but I would really like to see if I experience the same feeling dancing IN a church, at their alter. I'm a bit concerned they would run me out of the building with torches calling me a witch if I dance like this (like how I dance) in their space.
Any church that would allow me to do that might just be able to win me over.

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Religious Tour Part 3

Maumee Valley Church

I had the patience to experience a church today, but for the most part it left me highly confused all day.

This was my experience with a non-denominational Christian church, which that alone is confusing to me.  Christian is a denomination, but I suppose it means it does not subscribe to any existing church organizations.  So it would be fairly modern. Thankfully it is also right down the road; I was running a bit late this morning.  It was set in the countryside, so it had points for that.  It is obviously a modern church, and they were all very friendly.  Not quite creepy friendly, but borderline.  Their only real points came from them being so friendly.

I walked in and the pastor caught me immediately and introduced himself.  I know that I generally look like a deer in headlights on most days, but I felt a little like he was a hawk.  It really means that it is a small church and he personally knows everyone, that was quite clear.  He stopped me, invited me in and all that sort of stuff.  Two other guys, which I think are his supporters or something similar also said hi.  The pastor's wife said hi....there were a lot of introductions.  This was very different than the Catholic church, where I was invisible. 

So I sat down in a random chair, alone in the middle of the room feeling significantly awkward.  THEN the youth director had to say hi, and at that point I just wanted this to start.  I am not good at small talk, and even when I can muster small talk, I can't do it repeatedly.  A few agonizing awkward moments passed and their band started playing.  Band, like drum set and guitars band.  They all sang three or four songs, putting the lyrics on the powerpoint so everyone could sing along.  I tried to listen, but the only thing that ran through my head was the Christian Rock Hard episode of South Park.  It certainly was different than any church I've ever known of.
That wasn't too bad, had potential in my head for working for me.  They finished and all the young kids dashed out of the room and the pastor played this video.  Oh my dear gods....it made me extraordinarily uncomfortable and upset.  It was apparently based on a true story of some Japanese POW camp where they crucified this guy....and I don't even know.  I refused to watch it...I looked at the floor.  I couldn't do it.  The pastor said it tied into what they were discussing today, but to me it was just shock value.

They were talking about being a good christian, I think.  About doing things because you want to, not because you should.  Going to church because you feel that religious energy and want to honor it, not because good people go to church.  Okay, fine message...what the hell was the shock video for?

Honestly, the whole thing just confused me.  I can't even repeat what was said, because I understood so little of it.  The Catholic church was just ritual, that was easy to get....I got nothing from this pass.  Upon leaving I decided it was a rational idea to tell the pastor that.  He asked how I like it and if I had any questions.  Basically, I'm so confused I can't formulate a single question.  I got the basic idea, but the details elude me.  I told the Pastor that I had never been to church; recently, I've enjoyed saying that to people.  It's like a test.  The Pastor seemed a bit shocked and asked me the same old question "really?  never once?"  It seemed like he didn't know what to do with that and said "oh that's cool."  Imagine my perplexity at that statement...

So yeah.....I don't know what happened today.  I was just scared and confused....

The Tour:
St. Joseph's Catholic Church - Feb 6, 2011
Pagan Coven - Feb 9, 2011
Maumee Valley Church - Feb 20, 2011
St. Paul's Episcopal Church
First Unitarian Universalist Church
Toledo Zen Center
Harmony in Life Center

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My HIM-aversary

I discovered this song back in 2004, right about this time of year.

I remember the moment quite clearly. Mike and I were in my high school bedroom; we just got up to go somewhere when on the tv (FUSE) the video for this song came on. I instantaneously stopped and had to watch the entire thing. Mr Valo captured my soul from that first instant.

mmmm Mr. Valo still gets me all hot and bothered... he does that little gasp at the beginning and I can't help but return a very female gasp. Every time, doesn't matter how many times I've seen this.

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Religious Tour Thought

I didn't visit a church this Sunday, because I was feeling a bit overwhelmed from the other two organizations I visited this part week. 

I had the thought after meeting with those two distinctly different organizations that I still feel all organizations are the same, it's the same goal, the same gods, and none of them are inherently evil.  What I do think is that some religious paths will leave you more open/vulnerable to life's evils than others.  I think the Christian faith is more protective of it's followers, and this allows it's people to not feel/experience some of the world's evils.  On the flipside I think the Pagan faith leaves you open to these evils, you HAVE to learn how to handle worldly evils.  It's both good and bad to be protected, and it's both good and bad to have to experience them. 

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards

One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that there's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road

Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe-awe-awe"

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe-awe-awe

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

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Devil with the Blue Dress on

 

Happy Valentine's Day.  Mike and I celebrated yesterday for the most part.   I was reading the free Toledo to-do paper and came across a moonlight walk at one of the area metroparks.  Naturally, we had to go.  It was at 8:30pm, we were given a lantern to help us along and the path through the woods was lit by candles.  The person who came up with this event is brilliant.  The path was maybe a mile and a couple places along the way had bon fires and cabins with smores stuff.   After the walk the lodge was open with tables full of sweet treats, fruits, cheese and warm drinks.  They apparently do this every year, and I loved it.  

It was a brilliant event for our last Valentine's Day as an engaged couple; I can't wait to see what Valentine's Days married will be like. 

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Religious Tour Part 2

Pagan Coven

I will not put the name of this organization on here out of respect for myself and those involved.

Last evening was the second adventure in local religious organizations.  I met with a local Pagan coven, which certainly was an experience.  I was terribly anxious prior to this meeting, probably due in large part to the half pint of coffee I had.  The coffee shop was delightful! It had used books for sale, and they served their lattes in pint and half pint mugs.  That was new to me, but it was a delicious latte! Wasn’t the wisest choice of drink before a meeting like this. 

The meeting was held in a private room in the coffee shop, that allowed us to talk more freely than being open to public would.  I always hope that the Pagans I meet are reasonable, thoughtful people…and not just claiming to be Pagan to participate in their own freakshow.  I feel that the Pagan religion can be very beautiful, but some people make it more about putting on a show than learning about themselves or the world around them.  They were not dressed outlandishly in any manner, which was refreshing.  I met with two males and one female, and two of her children.  They were quite darling.  They told me about who they are and what they do, all of which was reasonable and has the potential to work for me.  Granted, it was only an introduction to their practices, but by my impression it was not about ego, drama, or a freakshow.  It had/has potential.  I answered questions about myself honestly, and that’s all that I can do. 

The ending of this meeting was mildly eerie.  We concluded with a tarot card reading to provide them with a better understanding of where I come from and my potential with their group.  I’ve never been fully committed to Tarot cards, so let me make that clear.  I do not believe they tell me the way of the world, but they certainly could since they can be fairly open ended.  I’m open to them and I prefer to not pass judgment on whether or not they dictate my life.  I don’t feel comfortable saying exactly what these cards were, but in short it said that I am looking for my place and if I can find it I will fully know myself and have some great potential with that.  I also have a massive amount of pent up religious energy that I have no idea how to let out.  Rather spot on.  Unfortunately, I am aware that knowing oneself fully is a long and exhausting process, but it is what I am trying to achieve.  It made the point that I have a very large decision looming in front of me, but I am ready to jump in and be fully committed when I find my place.

Let me tell you about that big question, besides knowing myself completely.  It follows with the two photos in this post.  The major question is obviously where I belong.  I have followed a sorta Pagan path since my young teens, and as I get older now I am questions what I really believe.  This only serves to better commit to my faith, and it is not doubt.  I do not doubt what I believe, but it is a reasonable idea to question and draw my own conclusions to be a better person in faith.  Right now I am experiencing Christian organizations for the first time, and really it’s coming down to whether or not I am outside the realm of Christianity, or  could I actually even be Christian?  The only way to know fully is to experience these institutions.  I am screaming to the world the question of what I am.  if I find it I know that so many things will fall in place. 

So, this organization has potential.  I felt the feeling I’m looking for, which was not provided by the Catholic church.  Only time will tell if this is something I could commit to.  My plans for this organization now is to read their little book they sent me, check out their ceremony in March, and in the meantime I will continue experiencing a variety of institutions.

The Tour:
St. Joseph's Catholic Church - Feb 6, 2011
Pagan Coven – Feb 9, 2011
Maumee Valley Church
St. Paul's Episcopal Church
First Unitarian Universalist Church
Toledo Zen Center
Harmony in Life Center

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Religious Tour Part 1

St. Joseph's Catholic Church

This year I am on a religious tour.  I'm looking for my nitch, and Toledo has such a diversity in religion that I think that it just might be possible to find my place.  So I have a list of places to visit ranging from Christian to Pagan to Buddhist, might even add a Taoist just to round out the experience.  

This past Sunday I visited St. Joseph's Catholic Church.  Let me start out by saying I have never actually been to church.  I know only the basics of the Christian faith.  Why would I go to a Catholic church for my first stop?  I was baptized Catholic, and that was the beginning and end of my church experience.  In my hometown basically everyone was Catholic.  We had a very high Polish heritage population, so I think the two went hand in hand.  So, in terms of Christianity I am most familiar with Catholicism. 

I was a bit interested in the church because it was built in the 1800s, thus I figured it had a lot of feeling and beauty to the building.  Unfortunately, it appears the church is under an extensive renovation so services were not in the church.  I did take a peek into the church though, and it really was lovely.   I'd be interested in seeing a service in the church in the future. 
I wondered about the school for a while, because frankly I was lost.  I'm pretty certain I went in the wrong door.  Eventually I found people and followed them downstairs to the school's community hall it seems.  To my surprised the room was FULL.  Maybe it's just my experience, but I've mostly run into Catholics who say they're Catholic, but don't go to church.  Imagine my surprise when the rather large room was full.  Thankfully it was full of people ranging from toddler to retired.  The advice of a good friend said if I don't see anyone my age just turn around.  I found a chair off to the side and sat looking around.  They moved a lot of their ritual paraphernalia from the church to this room during the renovation, so I got a glimpse of  their traditions.
What were my impressions of the experience?  The first significant note is that I was NOT anxious.  This caught me be surprised when I realized it later.  I have chronic anxiety, and for me to not be anxious is unusual.  I very much enjoyed the music and singing.  I have no idea what was said or what it meant, but I thought it was beautiful.  It is all obvious was big ritual they all have memorized.  I was impressed they could all mutter the same thing.  Keep in mind again I have no experience and very limited knowledge of Christianity.  I THINK the point of the sermon was be a good person, and I disagreed with some of the ways to be a good person.  I am pro-choice and pro-birth control, and that will not change.  I am a good person regardless.  I will NOT go to an abortion clinic and bother a soul there, they are going through enough.  To the pastors eternal credit he didn't say condemn these people, but support them.  Their definition of support is different than mine, though. Through all this I was reminded why I couldn't be a Catholic.

In short I thought their ritual and music was beautiful.  Unfortunately, I did not leave with that feeling I'm searching for.   I am looking for a place that gives me a sense of inspiration to debate the topic of the sermon and develop my own life answers.  I am also looking for extensive healing and calm.  I've seen a lot of hurt and I know that I am finally at the point where I can start fully healing all of it.  It took a long time to get this far.  I thought the Catholic ceremony was beautiful, but I don't think it's my place.


The Tour:
St. Joseph's Catholic Church - Feb 6, 2011
Pagan Coven
Maumee Valley Church
St. Paul's Episcopal Church
First Unitarian Universalist Church
Toledo Zen Center
Harmony in Life Center

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