there are times in my life i wish i was dreaming, this is one of those times

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When I dance...

When I dance I understand God. When dancing I feel that energy and I know I'm doing exactly what I should be doing.

What I love about bellydance is that it is not necessarily best for those with boy-ish figures (ever popular in our culture). It looks best with some feminine curves, as noted by the beautiful Kami Liddle in this video.

Is there a church that will let me in their worship room to dance privately? That certainly works for Pagans, but I would really like to see if I experience the same feeling dancing IN a church, at their alter. I'm a bit concerned they would run me out of the building with torches calling me a witch if I dance like this (like how I dance) in their space.
Any church that would allow me to do that might just be able to win me over.

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Religious Tour Part 3

Maumee Valley Church

I had the patience to experience a church today, but for the most part it left me highly confused all day.

This was my experience with a non-denominational Christian church, which that alone is confusing to me.  Christian is a denomination, but I suppose it means it does not subscribe to any existing church organizations.  So it would be fairly modern. Thankfully it is also right down the road; I was running a bit late this morning.  It was set in the countryside, so it had points for that.  It is obviously a modern church, and they were all very friendly.  Not quite creepy friendly, but borderline.  Their only real points came from them being so friendly.

I walked in and the pastor caught me immediately and introduced himself.  I know that I generally look like a deer in headlights on most days, but I felt a little like he was a hawk.  It really means that it is a small church and he personally knows everyone, that was quite clear.  He stopped me, invited me in and all that sort of stuff.  Two other guys, which I think are his supporters or something similar also said hi.  The pastor's wife said hi....there were a lot of introductions.  This was very different than the Catholic church, where I was invisible. 

So I sat down in a random chair, alone in the middle of the room feeling significantly awkward.  THEN the youth director had to say hi, and at that point I just wanted this to start.  I am not good at small talk, and even when I can muster small talk, I can't do it repeatedly.  A few agonizing awkward moments passed and their band started playing.  Band, like drum set and guitars band.  They all sang three or four songs, putting the lyrics on the powerpoint so everyone could sing along.  I tried to listen, but the only thing that ran through my head was the Christian Rock Hard episode of South Park.  It certainly was different than any church I've ever known of.
That wasn't too bad, had potential in my head for working for me.  They finished and all the young kids dashed out of the room and the pastor played this video.  Oh my dear gods....it made me extraordinarily uncomfortable and upset.  It was apparently based on a true story of some Japanese POW camp where they crucified this guy....and I don't even know.  I refused to watch it...I looked at the floor.  I couldn't do it.  The pastor said it tied into what they were discussing today, but to me it was just shock value.

They were talking about being a good christian, I think.  About doing things because you want to, not because you should.  Going to church because you feel that religious energy and want to honor it, not because good people go to church.  Okay, fine message...what the hell was the shock video for?

Honestly, the whole thing just confused me.  I can't even repeat what was said, because I understood so little of it.  The Catholic church was just ritual, that was easy to get....I got nothing from this pass.  Upon leaving I decided it was a rational idea to tell the pastor that.  He asked how I like it and if I had any questions.  Basically, I'm so confused I can't formulate a single question.  I got the basic idea, but the details elude me.  I told the Pastor that I had never been to church; recently, I've enjoyed saying that to people.  It's like a test.  The Pastor seemed a bit shocked and asked me the same old question "really?  never once?"  It seemed like he didn't know what to do with that and said "oh that's cool."  Imagine my perplexity at that statement...

So yeah.....I don't know what happened today.  I was just scared and confused....

The Tour:
St. Joseph's Catholic Church - Feb 6, 2011
Pagan Coven - Feb 9, 2011
Maumee Valley Church - Feb 20, 2011
St. Paul's Episcopal Church
First Unitarian Universalist Church
Toledo Zen Center
Harmony in Life Center

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My HIM-aversary

I discovered this song back in 2004, right about this time of year.

I remember the moment quite clearly. Mike and I were in my high school bedroom; we just got up to go somewhere when on the tv (FUSE) the video for this song came on. I instantaneously stopped and had to watch the entire thing. Mr Valo captured my soul from that first instant.

mmmm Mr. Valo still gets me all hot and bothered... he does that little gasp at the beginning and I can't help but return a very female gasp. Every time, doesn't matter how many times I've seen this.

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Religious Tour Thought

I didn't visit a church this Sunday, because I was feeling a bit overwhelmed from the other two organizations I visited this part week. 

I had the thought after meeting with those two distinctly different organizations that I still feel all organizations are the same, it's the same goal, the same gods, and none of them are inherently evil.  What I do think is that some religious paths will leave you more open/vulnerable to life's evils than others.  I think the Christian faith is more protective of it's followers, and this allows it's people to not feel/experience some of the world's evils.  On the flipside I think the Pagan faith leaves you open to these evils, you HAVE to learn how to handle worldly evils.  It's both good and bad to be protected, and it's both good and bad to have to experience them. 

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards

One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that there's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road

Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe-awe-awe"

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe-awe-awe

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

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Devil with the Blue Dress on

 

Happy Valentine's Day.  Mike and I celebrated yesterday for the most part.   I was reading the free Toledo to-do paper and came across a moonlight walk at one of the area metroparks.  Naturally, we had to go.  It was at 8:30pm, we were given a lantern to help us along and the path through the woods was lit by candles.  The person who came up with this event is brilliant.  The path was maybe a mile and a couple places along the way had bon fires and cabins with smores stuff.   After the walk the lodge was open with tables full of sweet treats, fruits, cheese and warm drinks.  They apparently do this every year, and I loved it.  

It was a brilliant event for our last Valentine's Day as an engaged couple; I can't wait to see what Valentine's Days married will be like. 

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Religious Tour Part 2

Pagan Coven

I will not put the name of this organization on here out of respect for myself and those involved.

Last evening was the second adventure in local religious organizations.  I met with a local Pagan coven, which certainly was an experience.  I was terribly anxious prior to this meeting, probably due in large part to the half pint of coffee I had.  The coffee shop was delightful! It had used books for sale, and they served their lattes in pint and half pint mugs.  That was new to me, but it was a delicious latte! Wasn’t the wisest choice of drink before a meeting like this. 

The meeting was held in a private room in the coffee shop, that allowed us to talk more freely than being open to public would.  I always hope that the Pagans I meet are reasonable, thoughtful people…and not just claiming to be Pagan to participate in their own freakshow.  I feel that the Pagan religion can be very beautiful, but some people make it more about putting on a show than learning about themselves or the world around them.  They were not dressed outlandishly in any manner, which was refreshing.  I met with two males and one female, and two of her children.  They were quite darling.  They told me about who they are and what they do, all of which was reasonable and has the potential to work for me.  Granted, it was only an introduction to their practices, but by my impression it was not about ego, drama, or a freakshow.  It had/has potential.  I answered questions about myself honestly, and that’s all that I can do. 

The ending of this meeting was mildly eerie.  We concluded with a tarot card reading to provide them with a better understanding of where I come from and my potential with their group.  I’ve never been fully committed to Tarot cards, so let me make that clear.  I do not believe they tell me the way of the world, but they certainly could since they can be fairly open ended.  I’m open to them and I prefer to not pass judgment on whether or not they dictate my life.  I don’t feel comfortable saying exactly what these cards were, but in short it said that I am looking for my place and if I can find it I will fully know myself and have some great potential with that.  I also have a massive amount of pent up religious energy that I have no idea how to let out.  Rather spot on.  Unfortunately, I am aware that knowing oneself fully is a long and exhausting process, but it is what I am trying to achieve.  It made the point that I have a very large decision looming in front of me, but I am ready to jump in and be fully committed when I find my place.

Let me tell you about that big question, besides knowing myself completely.  It follows with the two photos in this post.  The major question is obviously where I belong.  I have followed a sorta Pagan path since my young teens, and as I get older now I am questions what I really believe.  This only serves to better commit to my faith, and it is not doubt.  I do not doubt what I believe, but it is a reasonable idea to question and draw my own conclusions to be a better person in faith.  Right now I am experiencing Christian organizations for the first time, and really it’s coming down to whether or not I am outside the realm of Christianity, or  could I actually even be Christian?  The only way to know fully is to experience these institutions.  I am screaming to the world the question of what I am.  if I find it I know that so many things will fall in place. 

So, this organization has potential.  I felt the feeling I’m looking for, which was not provided by the Catholic church.  Only time will tell if this is something I could commit to.  My plans for this organization now is to read their little book they sent me, check out their ceremony in March, and in the meantime I will continue experiencing a variety of institutions.

The Tour:
St. Joseph's Catholic Church - Feb 6, 2011
Pagan Coven – Feb 9, 2011
Maumee Valley Church
St. Paul's Episcopal Church
First Unitarian Universalist Church
Toledo Zen Center
Harmony in Life Center

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Religious Tour Part 1

St. Joseph's Catholic Church

This year I am on a religious tour.  I'm looking for my nitch, and Toledo has such a diversity in religion that I think that it just might be possible to find my place.  So I have a list of places to visit ranging from Christian to Pagan to Buddhist, might even add a Taoist just to round out the experience.  

This past Sunday I visited St. Joseph's Catholic Church.  Let me start out by saying I have never actually been to church.  I know only the basics of the Christian faith.  Why would I go to a Catholic church for my first stop?  I was baptized Catholic, and that was the beginning and end of my church experience.  In my hometown basically everyone was Catholic.  We had a very high Polish heritage population, so I think the two went hand in hand.  So, in terms of Christianity I am most familiar with Catholicism. 

I was a bit interested in the church because it was built in the 1800s, thus I figured it had a lot of feeling and beauty to the building.  Unfortunately, it appears the church is under an extensive renovation so services were not in the church.  I did take a peek into the church though, and it really was lovely.   I'd be interested in seeing a service in the church in the future. 
I wondered about the school for a while, because frankly I was lost.  I'm pretty certain I went in the wrong door.  Eventually I found people and followed them downstairs to the school's community hall it seems.  To my surprised the room was FULL.  Maybe it's just my experience, but I've mostly run into Catholics who say they're Catholic, but don't go to church.  Imagine my surprise when the rather large room was full.  Thankfully it was full of people ranging from toddler to retired.  The advice of a good friend said if I don't see anyone my age just turn around.  I found a chair off to the side and sat looking around.  They moved a lot of their ritual paraphernalia from the church to this room during the renovation, so I got a glimpse of  their traditions.
What were my impressions of the experience?  The first significant note is that I was NOT anxious.  This caught me be surprised when I realized it later.  I have chronic anxiety, and for me to not be anxious is unusual.  I very much enjoyed the music and singing.  I have no idea what was said or what it meant, but I thought it was beautiful.  It is all obvious was big ritual they all have memorized.  I was impressed they could all mutter the same thing.  Keep in mind again I have no experience and very limited knowledge of Christianity.  I THINK the point of the sermon was be a good person, and I disagreed with some of the ways to be a good person.  I am pro-choice and pro-birth control, and that will not change.  I am a good person regardless.  I will NOT go to an abortion clinic and bother a soul there, they are going through enough.  To the pastors eternal credit he didn't say condemn these people, but support them.  Their definition of support is different than mine, though. Through all this I was reminded why I couldn't be a Catholic.

In short I thought their ritual and music was beautiful.  Unfortunately, I did not leave with that feeling I'm searching for.   I am looking for a place that gives me a sense of inspiration to debate the topic of the sermon and develop my own life answers.  I am also looking for extensive healing and calm.  I've seen a lot of hurt and I know that I am finally at the point where I can start fully healing all of it.  It took a long time to get this far.  I thought the Catholic ceremony was beautiful, but I don't think it's my place.


The Tour:
St. Joseph's Catholic Church - Feb 6, 2011
Pagan Coven
Maumee Valley Church
St. Paul's Episcopal Church
First Unitarian Universalist Church
Toledo Zen Center
Harmony in Life Center

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Snow Storm

My friends and family back in Illinois got some ridiculous snow amounts, but here in Toledo it wasn't too bad.  It's definitely not clear sailing, but not a foot of blowing snow! We only got about seven inches with a little sleet mix.  Good luck to my Illinois companions!

icicles outside my bedroom window

Uther after romping in the snow

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The Glass City

 

First experience in The Glass City - Toledo, Oh.  Our families came to visit for the weekend from Illinois to see the area and meet our new addition, Uther the dog.  We got a chance to see some Toledo institutions together, which my fiance and I didn't get to do when we were apartment searching in Toledo.  My mother and I went to the Toledo Museum of Art.  I was thankful that she decided to go with me, it surprises me consistently when she takes interest in what I like.  I was surprised when I got back from Paris and she knew the names of some of the paintings I snapped pictures of; I was just never aware of her having any art interest.  Anyway, the museum is rather well known, but I never really thought about how big it actually is.  They had a new Rembrandt on display, so I was itching to get to the museum in the near future anyway.  Even more delightful, it's free! Free is good, and they have a lot of free demonstrations and events.  I now have a list of things I want to see there.  I'm thankful for that since it's winter and I don't know the area at all.  They had quite a lot to see; I was a bit surprised.  I liked their set up very much, it was easy to navigate and interesting to enter various nooks and beautifully set up rooms.  I was particularly interested in their cloister room, it reminds me of Oxford in some ways.  There was a random lady dancing about in their too, obviously catching my interest.  I had to ask what in the world she was doing, and it turns out she was practicing for a spring equinox celebration.  Seems early to be practicing for a March presentation, especially practicing on location, but alrighty.  I definitely plan on going to see it, and quite a few other presentations at the museum! 

Like: Making a glass flower, tea and tour, wine in the glass pavillion, the egypt experience....

Sunday we all went to the famous Tony Packo's on Front Street.  Delicious.  I now understand why they are so well known.  It was actually quite cozy inside, not at all stuffy and overwhelming as many restaurants that are well known can be.  We were entertained looking at all the hot dog buns on the wall signed by various celebrities.  I particularly liked the one signed by Santa Claus.  I also took a smashing picture of the outsides - see left! It seemed like we did so little, but the weekend went by so fast.  It was nice to have people over, but all three of us (myself, the fiance, and the dog) were exhausted Sunday night.  I am looking forward to Spring to see the Botanic Gardens and the Zoo!

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